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    Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

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    Onawe Skychaser

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    Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Onawe Skychaser on Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:54 am

    Vedetre jumped as he heard the knock on the door of his small section of Barrack 06. He stood up from the small chair and table, both of hard stone like all the military Petnkan furniture, and walked across his mole-skin rug. When he arrived at the wooden door, he glanced briefly at the plank on the wall. It had been so long since he had used that plank to bar the barracks, keeping the commoners inside, by resting the object across two holders on either side of the wooden door.

    Yes, the system was different in Petnka then in other countries. The houses of Petnka were made of flimsy wood, rarely with some stone, and never with any durable metal. So, whenever there was a war that involved the Dwarves, and the Barracks were emptied, the commoners were held inside for safety. The barracks always had a large amount of food and water stored in them on the countless shelves of the vast closets and cabinets.

    Vedetre had seen only two of these occasions, one of which was the First Dwarven war, and the other was of the Vish’Ken War. In the former, Vedetre, or Ved as he was often called, was just an ordinary soldier. But his many acts of heroism, such as escorting a large groupof commoners through Ogre-infested territory and signle-handedly defeating six Jekurms had caused him to be promoted to Red Cape. A Red Cape was an elite unit of the Dwarven army, and a high honor for any soldier. They were the Dwarves that were sent out when all else failed, or when Hetreka Palace was under attack. Vedetre took great pride in his feats of strength, but never boasted of them to any of his fellow soldiers. He rarely went out in his Red Cape uniform, which was a simple combination of steel chain mail and a red cape. But when the need arose for something to be done, he would be the first to do it.

    During the Vesh’Ken War, Vedetre had been one of several Red Capes to guard the Hetreka Palace from the savage bird-creatures, Zuk’Shin, and their leader, Vesh’Ken. The Zuk’Shin had used every magic they had to destroy the gate guarding the Palace Grounds. They had succeeded, but with many casualties. The fortress that was Hetreka Palace had blocked their advance, and a large group of Dwarven Rangers had come just in time from the other side of the gate. Together, they had cornered the Zuk’Shin, shot arrows through their wings, and left none of them alive. Well, none except those who were not in the Palace Grounds. There were certainly more on whatever hellish mountains the Zuk’Shin had come from, but for sixty-three years, and counting, the birdmen had left the Dwarves at peace.

    Vedetre was ripped from the void of thought into the inevitable reality by another knock on the door. He grabbed the rusty iron handle of the door with his right hand, ungloved as it always was when not in battle. He turned it slowly, and nudged it open just a bit, peering outside cautiously. Many people these days would do anything to get a red cape. You never knew who could impersonate you, and Vedetre had to be cautious because of this. Through the small crack in the door he saw a black-robed figure holding a flickering lamp. The lamp was powered by oil extracted from various minerals in the Mines of Petnka, just like all Dwarven lamps. The figure moved in a bit closer.

    “Vedetre,” It said. The Dwarf stiffened. He was common among the Dwarven people, but this strange man was not a Dwarf.

    “Aye. I am Vedetre. And who are you?” Vedetre asked, peering curiously at the figure. The figure, however, did not reply, instead moving fast as lightning to a hidden scabbard at it’s waist.

    “An employee of your enemies, Vedetre. A Frost Elf.” The figure said, swinging the sword toward Vedetre. It slid coolly through the air, stopping directly in front of the Red Cape’s neck. As the tip pressed against Vedetre's neck, his body screamed for him to grab something and protect himself. But he could not. His body would not respond.

    “You don’t look savage.” Vedetre said, trying to keep his cool.

    “Since your about to die, friend, I think I should be honest with you. I’m a widely renowned spy and assassin; my name is Lushkin.” The figure said. Vedetre shuddered. He had heard that name before. A Frost Elf mercenary, trained by the finest of Zuk’Shin, Golems, and Highland Elves. And this assassin was sent to kill him. Who ever employed him was serious.


    Last edited by Onawe Skychaser on Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:54 pm; edited 5 times in total
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    Reffent

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    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Reffent on Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:58 am

    (( Umm ... I'll read it only if you put spaces between each paragraph like the WoW forums. Not being horrid here but the font is really tiny and trying to read would give me a headache! Tankies, Reffy
    PS. I really do want to read it! ))
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    Onawe Skychaser

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    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Onawe Skychaser on Fri Jul 09, 2010 11:59 am

    ((Yeah I just copy/pasted this from my Microsoft Words Processor,and forgot that these forums don't do indents -_-. Fixin it.))
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    Reffent

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    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Reffent on Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:37 pm

    (( Tankies! Much easier to read that way - although I still needed to enlarge the page because of the tiny font. Damn my bad eyes!

    Comments for you:
    - The beginning was smooth and nice on the eye/brainz. I liked the note about the plank. It gave me some idea as to what was in the room and some of the history of the place. I liked that it continued to explain more of the history too.

    - But his acts of heroism, defeating single-handedly six Jekurms, safely escorting one-hundred and three citizens from the Northern Commons, which had been cut off by Ogres, into the Barracks, and many more, smaller acts of courage had gotten him promoted to Red Cape. < This sentence seemed a little long. It felt very run-on. I would probably have separated some off to a new sentence. If you try and jam too much into one sentence many of the points get glanced over and not absorbed by the reader.

    - The Zuk’Shin had used every magic they had, which was many, to destroy the gate guarding the Palace Grounds. < The "which was many" bit felt unneeded because of the "every magic" bit. You can probably expand on their many magics later in the story.

    - But the fortress that was Hetreka Palace < At this point I felt like there had been too many "but"s. It started to feel a little bit repetitive. Also, starting a sentence with "But" should be avoided if at all possible. It is grammatically incorrect but widely accepted. Sorry Crying or Very sad

    - I really liked Vedetre's caution as he opened the door. I also liked the note about him not wearing a glove and the material the handle was made from. All good stuff

    - I don't think Vedetre should have confirmed it was him until he found out who was inquiring. The guy is already cautious. I doubt he would outright say yes. Just a little realism - nothing major.

    - One last note. I'm pretty sure Vedetre would have moved or something, or tried to protect himself a little. Lushkin has a sword pointed at his neck. In that situation I would have grabbed anything to protect myself - red cloak or not!

    All in all, an interesting read. You definitely aren't as bad a writer as you think you are! I enjoyed it and hope you continue it.

    Oh, and please don't take anything I said the wrong way. These were just my thoughts as I was reading the story. They are not in any way meant to be horrible! They are intended for you to note and maybe use to improve.))
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    Onawe Skychaser

    Posts : 105
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    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Onawe Skychaser on Fri Jul 09, 2010 12:52 pm

    Reffent wrote:(( Tankies! Much easier to read that way - although I still needed to enlarge the page because of the tiny font. Damn my bad eyes!

    Comments for you:
    - The beginning was smooth and nice on the eye/brainz. I liked the note about the plank. It gave me some idea as to what was in the room and some of the history of the place. I liked that it continued to explain more of the history too.

    - But his acts of heroism, defeating single-handedly six Jekurms, safely escorting one-hundred and three citizens from the Northern Commons, which had been cut off by Ogres, into the Barracks, and many more, smaller acts of courage had gotten him promoted to Red Cape. < This sentence seemed a little long. It felt very run-on. I would probably have separated some off to a new sentence. If you try and jam too much into one sentence many of the points get glanced over and not absorbed by the reader.

    - The Zuk’Shin had used every magic they had, which was many, to destroy the gate guarding the Palace Grounds. < The "which was many" bit felt unneeded because of the "every magic" bit. You can probably expand on their many magics later in the story.

    - But the fortress that was Hetreka Palace < At this point I felt like there had been too many "but"s. It started to feel a little bit repetitive. Also, starting a sentence with "But" should be avoided if at all possible. It is grammatically incorrect but widely accepted. Sorry Crying or Very sad

    - I really liked Vedetre's caution as he opened the door. I also liked the note about him not wearing a glove and the material the handle was made from. All good stuff

    - I don't think Vedetre should have confirmed it was him until he found out who was inquiring. The guy is already cautious. I doubt he would outright say yes. Just a little realism - nothing major.

    - One last note. I'm pretty sure Vedetre would have moved or something, or tried to protect himself a little. Lushkin has a sword pointed at his neck. In that situation I would have grabbed anything to protect myself - red cloak or not!

    All in all, an interesting read. You definitely aren't as bad a writer as you think you are! I enjoyed it and hope you continue it.

    Oh, and please don't take anything I said the wrong way. These were just my thoughts as I was reading the story. They are not in any way meant to be horrible! They are intended for you to note and maybe use to improve.))

    ((Thanks for the advice! I corrected most. I'm notsure how to correct the whole name-giving blunder of his, though.))
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    Onawe Skychaser

    Posts : 105
    Join date : 2010-07-09
    Age : 20
    Location : Behind you.

    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

    Post  Onawe Skychaser on Tue Jul 13, 2010 1:21 pm



    ((This is the map of Petnka.))

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    Re: Practice: The Dwarves (Commentary and Critisiscm needed)

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